the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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