have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize