Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize