So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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