im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
