I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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