there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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