Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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