his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
