Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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