can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
