I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
