i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
