I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
