Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize