I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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