I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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