I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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