she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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