apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
