I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
