Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
