How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
50% drunk capacity currently
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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