Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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