i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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