Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
