Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
