It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
