I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
