i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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