if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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