I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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