Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize