I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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