I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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