Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
