You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
