drinking out of a sandbucket again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
