good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
