last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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