I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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