Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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