Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
