The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
