Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
