Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
