I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
