mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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