i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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