Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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