Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
