Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
