literally had 100 drinks last night.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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