He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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