I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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