DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize