The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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