Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
