you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
