I got chris browned last night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
