i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
