remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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