I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
