Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
